In the ‘You don’t know about me’ and ‘Not Nutrition-Related’ categories, I bring a few private and personal tidbits to the surface as they’ve bubbled up over the years… and writing has become a wonderful tool for working through All that Lulls in the Mind.
The very short story is that just about 10 years ago, I gave up on the idea of starting a family after a failed pregnancy (= miscarriage). The miscarriage occurred after a few months of “fertility assistance” that I wasn’t super excited about to begin with.
To this day, weird feelings of guilt arise when asked the question, “Do you have children?” by other parents. I simply answer with “No, I don’t have kids.” But am I lacking in some human quality that I wasn’t gifted children? Was it punishment from the supreme being(s)? Am I evil because I didn’t want to continue with hormone therapy to create what my body didn’t have (or want)? On and on those goofy thoughts go.
I think the guilty feelings arise because of comments I heard after the miscarriage (from a few people who were close to me), such as:
“Things happen for a reason.”
OR
”Maybe your body wasn’t strong enough.”
And then there are the comments from those who don’t know ‘the story’ but have responded with ”Lucky you - I wish I had your life” or “OHHH - you are one of those…” or ”You’re better off anyway.”
Even though I’ve internally replied with “What in the actual hell are you freaking saying right now?!?” to all of these responses, I easily can let myself get sucked down into a deep hole of sadness and confusion.
However, recently I’ve realized it’s okay to respond to the “Do you have kids” question with the abbreviated true story.
It’s vulnerable and raw and a bit uncomfortable (and not just for me, I know). But it’s freeing and it just IS and it’s part of this human experience. I’m not seeking sympathy or a partner in a CryFest or membership in the NonMoms club.
I just want to be okay with where I am and who I am… as a Woman and a Human.
-Dina