5 Ways to Help Muck Health

Note: Satirical content and tone follows.

Hey, do you want to waste money, take a health hit, or feel like S*!T? Awesome! Then, do one or more of the following and you can easily be on your way:

  1. Follow a macronutrient-restrictive diet while you live a life with poorly managed stress, subpar sleep quality/duration, and no regular exercise routine.

  2. Pick a diet that has you eating less than 1200 calories per day from pre-packaged meals and meal replacement shakes. Bonus points for ingredients in said products that you don’t recognize. Your rebound weight gain will be so fun!

  3. Start dietary supplements because your friend said so or a trendy health professional has their own product line (and a special discount code, JUST FOR YOU!). Bonus points for picking MLM-based products.

  4. Believe that eating X causes Y. Oh, and don’t consider the context of your individual situation such as current medical condition(s), athletic level and fitness goals, and actual dietary preferences. That’s just dumb.

  5. Keep to the indoors and sit on those buns for as long as possible. Protect yourself from the sun! Don’t wear yourself out! Bonus points for staring at your iGadget for several hours daily.

Good Luck!!